Being A Survivor

Violence inside the family is never an easy thing. Many of us (and I raise the hand as well) think that it is easy for those who are trapped inside the circle to escape. All they need to do is walk away, right? Wrong. Being someone who actually was trapped inside it, I can tell you first hand that most of the times you do not know that you are trapped inside such a circle.

My father (or the genetic material provider) was/is a violent man. The type of men who do not only enjoy physical abuse but who also enjoy and master the subtle art of psychological abuse. You might think that one comes along the other but it is not the case; you certainly can psychologically destroy someone when you hit them, but it is not necessary to hit them to destroy them psychologically.

For all the time (years) in which we lived with him in the same house, there was no time or pause for him to let us know that we could not do anything without him. He was our saviour and protector from the outside world; everything HAD to be done HIS way because HIS way was better, there was no room and no chance for us to experience, improve or think outside the box.

His was not a “spur from the moment” thing, his was a behavior learned from his family. I know that the lack of family structure and absent parents left the kids to be tended by servants and by the elder siblings. Of course, not everyone with absent parents end up being a violent piece of disgusting material, but in this case, it did.

Not only my father but all his siblings have the same wonderful personality. As a consequence, my cousins have developed a wide variety of psychological disorders. One of them has a serious problem with his physical appearance and does exercise constantly; his sibling decided to stop professional progress and lays dormant most of the days while at night becomes some sort of bohemian character. Another as a kid developed an anxiety where he would go sniff the seats where people had just left.

Being a survivor its not an easy task and it is not for the faint hearted. At some point I began to act like him; being abusive to those around me and to abuse those who were the most innocent. It has taken me years of work, falling back and picking myself up, of asking for forgiveness and giving restitution to correct such behavior.

While I acted like he did, it was easy to wiggle my way around. It was something that was, so there was no other way around it. But when I decided to change and to stop the abuse, it because a struggle and a problem, changing habits and even changing the way you think is no easy task.

It has certainly changed the way I see tv shows and how I see other people who are trapped in the circle of violence. It is not as simple as getting up and leaving.

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